blessed with him

Jaxon wasn't in a good mood that day, and so maybe I should've known better, but I was tired of being in the house. They had been sick for a couple of weeks, and instead of just going and doing Target Drive-Up, I actually wanted to go into the store and actually be where the people are. I had noticed a couple weeks earlier that if I explain things to Jax he tends to take them better, and has a better idea of what to expect. He was mad at me because I had a bag of goldfish in the car and he wanted them, so I explained to him that we were going into the store, he was going to get into the cart, and I would then give him snacks. He calmed down from his tiny fit, and let me get him out of the car. He held my hand nicely all the way up to the entrance.

But there were no double carts.

That doesn't seem like a big deal, there's another entrance across the store, and there should be some over there. It'll take less than 2 minutes to walk over there. But I didn't explain this part to Jax. I told him we'd go into the store, he'd get into the cart and THEN he could have a snack, and the fact that there wasn't a cart threw off the entire thing.

So he snapped.

He screamed. He pulled my hair. He threw himself on the floor. He cried. I had to drag him across the Target entry with Maddox in my arms in hopes that he would calm down once we got to a cart. His shoes fell off, but I couldn't bend over and get it because he'd run off if I let go. I just went back for them later. We finally got to the cart, but he wanted nothing to do with it. He was done.

We left. I dragged him all the way back to the car from the other side of the store.

It seems like a fit, but it's not. This isn't one of those things where I can just tell him to stop or explain things to him- that makes things worse. Meltdowns are completely different from tantrums, and if I don't want them to last an entire hour I have to be very careful about how I react, and a lot of the time that means getting him out of the current situation. That means I've had to leave the park early even if I'm there with friends, and I've had to cancel outings because I knew he wouldn't react well.

I cried in my car for a solid 15 minutes. I cried about the fact that all I wanted to do at that moment was to go and visit my mom. I WISHED she had a house in Texas where I could go put my kids in the playroom, and cry to my mom about how traumatic that 5 minutes in Target was. I hit a low point, and I asked God why I was given such a difficult kid when my family was so far. I have friends with family closer and their kids are better behaved than mine. And in that low point, I said, "Why did I have to be given a kid like Jax?"

I feel guilty even typing that out, but that wasn't the first time I've felt that way, or I've asked God that question. I see other moms with their kids speaking words at 12 months old when my almost three year old says just as many. I see other moms who take their kids to the store and they sit quietly while maybe asking for a few things and being mad when they don't get them, but it lasts 5 minutes. There are other moms who don't have to pay extra money to put their kid in a preschool so he can get socialization that he doesn't get otherwise.

I'm not a perfect mom, and sometimes it feels like that is what Jax needs. He needs exactly the right amount of stimulation, and if he gets too much or too little then he'll blow. I can't discipline him like I discipline Maddox, because it'll have the opposite effect. It's hard. It's really hard.

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We came home that day and I went and locked myself in the bathroom while the boys watched one of their mind-numbing shows. I cried as I folded laundry and felt all kinds of pity for myself.

Eventually I came out. Jax was sitting in the corner of the sectional where he always sits to watch his shows, I went and sat next to him and he got up and gave me one of his squeeze hugs, and then sat next to me and held my hand when we watched that show. He got up soon after and got a book with pictures and pointed out different animals to me, and I'd ask him what sound they'd make and he'd laugh as he said "moo" and "ba" and "neigh neigh!" He started singing twinkle twinkle little star and I joined him, "twinkle twinkle little-" "STAR!" He gets so excited when he can finish the sentence in a song.

We moved onto You Are My Sunshine,
"you are my-"
"SUN"
"shine, my only"
"SUN"
"shine, you make me ha-"
"PY!"
"when skies are-"
"GREY!"
"you'll never know"
"DEA"
"how much I love"
"YOU!"

I cried again.

The fact of the matter is, Jax is really hard. He is a VERY very difficult kid. He has needs that are nearly impossible for me to meet. He struggles in ways that I'm still trying to figure out. Sometimes simply going to a store, and not following the exact structure I set up beforehand can be too overwhelming for him. Sometimes he doesn't get enough physical exercise and he has a hard day. Sometimes he gets too much exercise and it's a hard day. Sometimes I'm mad, like REALLY mad that I have to deal with all of this without my mom and dad around.

But then I look at that little boy. I get a squeeze hug for a solid minute. He laughs when I make animal sounds and he gets excited when we sing a song. He runs over to me when "Speechless" by Dan + Shay plays because he wants to give me cuddles for the entire song. He is a sweetheart. He loves so much. He loves his mom and his dad more than anything. He loves music to an unreal level. He will never NOT jump for joy when Thunder by Imagine Dragons comes on, and he will almost never leave you hanging when you ask him to finish the words to a song.

Sometimes I might wish I didn't have a child as difficult as Jax, but I would never want any kid other than Jax. HE is a blessing. I am blessed to be his mom, regardless how hard things can be. He is everything I've ever hoped for and more, and if I have to go through hard times in Target to get that one squeeze hug from him then I'll do it over and over again. We will get through this. I'll only get the squeeze hugs and the finishing songs for a limited time, just like eventually he'll be able to communicate with me when he's upset, and he'll tell me what he's feeling.


Update: We went to his evaluation with the school district. They said that he qualifies for the autism education. She talked as though he may not full be autistic, but still on the spectrum, but he is far enough on the spectrum to get the benefits and to get the education and services that he needs to allow him to learn and progress as much as possible. It's a blessing. We won't have to pay for his preschool anymore, and he'll get so much help, and he'll thrive. He's a hard worker that kid, and he's honestly brilliant.

Plus, he has the best hair.