I was talking to the Bishop in my ward a couple of months ago and I just kind of let it all out. I told him how hard it was to go to church with little kids, especially mine with such high energy and such curiosity. I told him that they never want to sit in the pews and they just want to run around the halls and go into every single room and open every single cupboard or drawer. I told him how hard it was when a song ended because Jax would throw a fit because he liked that song and wasn't ready for it to be over. I told him how much I hated that Kelly was a primary teacher with me because we had to bring Maddox to all of our classes and he just wanted to roam around, and our students just wanted to play with him.
I just honestly let it all out.
I talked about how hard it is to parent Jaxon especially. I talked about how guilty I felt that I honestly prefer Maddox's company a lot of the time because Jaxon is just so much work, and Maddox will just go with the flow more often. I told him how I just wanted to sit at home on Sundays, maybe watch a Mormon message, but more or less just be in a place where our kids could do what they wanted, and nobody was hitting me and kicking me and throwing a fit because we made them sit down.
I didn't know how anyone had any spare time. Luckily I have really great sleepers, so after 7pm was my time until about 6:30am. That's when I would go grocery shopping, fold laundry, clean the car, do the dishes, put dinner away, and take a shower. So, when I say that I have spare time- it's just time to do other things that I wasn't able to do before. If I go upstairs and put clothes away from the laundry during the day then both boys follow me upstairs and pull my clothes out of my drawers. I took a shower once when they were awake and Jax managed to unlock the door and run into the street. If I do dishes the boys physically climb into the dishwasher.
That is my life. I'm not writing this to have you take pity on me, because I know that I'm not that different from any other parent. I understand that even though my life might be a little bit difficult because I can barely communicate with my 2.5 year old, it doesn't mean that other parents don't have it rough too, and they're having hard days too.
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But I vented to my bishop hard. I don't know why. He just asked me how it was going and it all came pouring out- I was honestly excited to talk to someone. Someone who wasn't related to me. Someone who wasn't going to talk about their own struggles, but he did. I'm so happy that he did.
He talked about one particular Sunday when his son was around Jax's age. His wife had laid out an outfit for him to wear, but that kid did NOT want to wear those pants. He said he struggled with him for 20 minutes until they were all sweaty and he was MAD at that point. Just put on the dang pants. His wife came up and told him to go off to church. He was sitting on the stand when his family walked in, his son wearing the pants he was supposed to, and he came running up to the stand- hugged his dad and told him he loved him.
He went on to talk about all of the Sundays when he had a white noise sound playing on his phone while he carried his baby around the halls of the church because she cried all through sacrament meeting.
But here this man was sitting on the stand every Sunday. His wife no longer having to yell at her kids to stay in the pew, his wife no longer having to walk around the halls trying to get their baby to sleep. His kids get themselves ready for church, strap themselves into the car, and sit in the pew all through sacrament meeting.
He struggled just like I am right now.
But it's a season.
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I try SO hard to not spend my time wishing that my kids were older. It's a waste of time, and it's really unfair. One day my kids will wake up on Sunday, put on their clothes, strap themselves into the car, and sit in the pew during church without wanting to frantically run away. One day I'll be able to take my kid to the doctors without them trying to open the door and run back into the car. One day I won't need snacks upon snacks just so that I can have 5 minutes of quiet time. One day I'll be able to take a shower in the morning while they're awake and making themselves breakfast.
But one day I'll wake up and my kids won't be in the house anymore. One will be on a mission, while one is off at college. One day I'll get a call about how one wants to propose to his girlfriend, and I'll get another call about how my other one is expecting a baby.
And you know what I'll want right then? You know what I'll BEG Heavenly Father for knowing full well that it's impossible? I will BEG for my boys to be little again. I will BEG to chase them around the church. I will BEG for the cuddles they give me when they're tired because they didn't nap. I will BEG for these days right here. I'll beg for the days that I hope go by fast. I'll beg for the days that I end up just crying because it's too much.
And it is. It's a lot. My kid isn't talking, but one day he will. My kids scream when I make them sit down in the pew at church, but one day they won't. My kids won't let me take a shower, but one day they'll be taking their own showers.
It's a season, and before I know it- we'll be in the next one.
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