ANYWAY, I remember talking to my mom right before I was going to marry Kelly. Her friends and she were telling me not to want to rush to get my life started with him. Enjoy the small apartment, enjoy not having kids, enjoy having the couch that's falling apart, and just enjoy our time together. At the time I thought that was a great idea. Just the idea of having a tiny apartment with the man was enough for me. Turns out I got over that pretty quickly though. But we were both college students, so the poor aspect really had no hope of changing. We did what we could- I started an Etsy shop that was pretty successful for a while, and Kelly worked multiple jobs, but there's only so much you can do in Rexburg Idaho. What I could jump ahead with though was having a baby.
I was married. If I wanted to have a baby there was nobody that could tell me that I couldn't. This was our personal decision (which apparently I thought meant pressuring my husband into agreeing that we were ready when neither of had a degree and I didn't even have my residency in the states yet, BUT I DIGRESS). So, we got pregnant.
And then I miscarried at 12 weeks.
You want to test an impatient woman? Have her get pregnant and have it taken away. Suddenly it wasn't so much, "we're not having a baby yet," it was "will we ever get to have a baby?" It wasn't so much about patience as it was not having the answer to the questions I had.
I've had plenty of moments of yet. Plenty of moments where I've had to believe in the power of the word. Plenty of moments where yet wasn't even guaranteed but I had to hope for it.
Kelly hasn't finished his degree yet.
Kelly hasn't finished his second degree yet.
I'm not pregnant yet.
My baby isn't out of the NICU yet.
We haven't moved to Texas yet.
We haven't bought a house yet.
My toddler isn't talking yet.
I saw a shirt the other day designed by a fellow autism mom that said, "I believe in the power of yet." It took me an embarrassingly long time to understand what it meant. Then it hit me. I thought about all of those things that I just listed off, and realized that all of them have come to pass. We are buying a house, we moved to Texas, I got pregnant and had a baby- twice, Kelly finished two degrees. We had to believe in the power of yet to get through the times that were hard. Our house isn't finished yet- so we have to be a little more patient in the apartment we're in right now.
And when it comes to Jaxon- that's the biggest time we need to believe in the power of that word. Jaxon isn't talking in full sentences yet. Jaxon can't always control his emotions yet. Jaxon doesn't want to play with other kids yet. Jaxon can't get his proper sensory input yet.
If I were to sit here every day and deal with the things that we have to when it comes to Jaxon, without truly believing in the word "yet," and having doubt that any of those things would happen- life would be miserable. When we first got married we talked about having a baby with the hope that we would, just not yet. When I miscarried that yet was taken away, and that was the most painful part of it. The complete lack of hope that I had- the complete belief I did have in the idea that the reason I miscarried was that I was never going to be able to carry a baby.
Sometimes there are things that we don't know will ever happen, and all we crave is the hope for the future and the hope that it could. When we do have the luxury of knowing that there is in fact a yet- we can hold on for that.
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