One Week Later

faith

fāTH/

noun

1. 1.

   complete trust or confidence in someone or something.

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When something as traumatic and heartbreaking as a miscarriage happens there are only a few options of how you're going to choose to react to the situation. 

I wish I could say that I snapped out of it and left my problems at home. Instead, I couldn't even go to church and see babies and pregnant ladies. I couldn't go to class without being able to randomly cry about it when I wanted to. Honestly, it still takes a little bit for me to even shower and make myself look nice in the morning. 

But what I never did was blame Heavenly Father. 

The first time we were told that we were going to miscarry there was a lot of contention and confusion in my faith. Having children is one of the commandments given to us in this Gospel, and I wanted to start my family early like I had always been told Heavenly Father wanted us to do. I could not understand why He would ever not want me to have a baby. Although, when it actually happened I didn't even have any slight feelings of frustration or anger toward my father in heaven. 

Since I've been married there have already been a lot of problems. My husband and I get along fantastically almost always, but it was a whole different lifestyle then I'm used to and it takes a lot of adjustments. But not once have we been so stuck in a situation that we couldn't figure our way out of it, or we weren't blessed. We were always blessed in a way that we didn't expect. We always had a way of figuring things out. 

Though I am very frustrated with the situation and I want more than anything to still have my baby inside of me, I know that I was blessed. Kelly had been in Texas the day before I started to bleed. We picked my mom up at the airport the day before I actually miscarried. Though the actual miscarriage was hell and I wish more than anything that it didn't happen, it could not have happened in a more blessed way. I felt Heavenly Father's presence so strongly telling me, "It's going to be okay." 

I knew from the second that I realized what was going on that Heavenly Father was right next to me, comforting me, and doing everything that He could. I may not ever know why this had to happen, but with the faith that I have and the comfort that I've been given from the very start of all complications; I know it happened for a reason. I have faith in my Heavenly Father and my Savior Jesus Christ.

I know that this would not happen to torture me or put me through pain. I know that my babies are being taken care of until I'm ready to have them down here with me. Faith is a tricky thing. Sometimes it seems like it is impossible to have faith in such a horrible thing, and I can promise you that the faith that I have now is not because I'm not heartbroken. I have never experienced a more devastating thing in my entire life, but I've also never felt closer to my father in heaven, and I've never felt His love more strongly.