Our [short] Pregnancy Story

“It’s actually a good thing.”

“You’re being very strong.”

"It happens to a lot of people."

“At least you didn’t know the gender yet.”

“You can always try again.”

"Now you can do _____ that you couldn't do pregnant."

Everybody has some kind of advice to give you once you say the word “miscarriage.” Though most of the things that they say are true, and in any other condition would be helpful and reassuring, there are few things that can be said to cheer up somebody who has experienced it, or are in the middle of going through it.

Then there are the few that ask what happened, or how it happened, and in my own desperation to not have to look somebody in the eyes and tell this story- I'm writing it here, because it does feel nice to say it out loud though I couldn't do it in front of someone.

When Kelly and I found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic. I have ALWAYS wanted to be a mom. I switched my major to Web Design solely so I could be a stay-at-home mom and still work. It was always my dream job to stay at home with my children.

At our supposed “8 weeks” our doctor told us that we were going to miscarry and we had an ectopic pregnancy (so, I was pregnant but didn’t have a baby basically). Two days later when we were going in for me to have the procedure for it, we did an ultrasound and found out that our dates were wrong and we were just 6 weeks pregnant instead. Our baby was a little fighter.

At 8 weeks we saw a super strong heartbeat, a tiny little arm nub, and were told that once you get a heartbeat the chance of losing the baby goes down tremendously. So, we decided we’d announce it on Mother’s Day when I was only 9 weeks pregnant.

On Monday May 25^th, I had started bleeding, and naturally freaked out and we went to the emergency room where they were less than helpful. They told us it was a waiting game and to call when the bleeding got “so bad it felt like I would bleed to death.” I asked them if I even had my baby anymore and they didn’t know, and made no effort to find out.

On Tuesday May 26^th, we picked up my mom from the airport. My dad told me that one day in his office he got a prompting telling him to send my mom here for our birthday week at the end of May.

On Wednesday May 27^th  (I was 12 weeks today) at around 12:30am I woke up crying because my cramps had gotten so bad. I figured it was just from the bleeding that I had, even though it had slowed down quite a bit. Every five or so minutes I would have a giant stabbing pain in the middle of my lower stomach that lasted for about a minute. I woke my mom up at 7:00 and told her that it felt like I was having contractions even though I figured that was ridiculous, I was only 12 weeks and really wasn't bleeding that much. 

At 8:00am my doctor’s office was open and Kelly called insisting that they see me right away. So, we went straight there. We were about 30 seconds from pulling into the parking lot when I was started experiencing the pain and trauma that the doctor assured me was miscarriage bleeding. My mom, Kelly and I stumbled into the doctor’s office with blood all over me and me bent over and screaming in pain.

20 minutes later they did an ultrasound and told me what we had kind of figured; the baby was already gone. I had already passed the baby.

Though for another two hours I was technically in labor, but I wasn’t going to deliver a baby or get to take a baby home. I sat there screaming in pain while people were giving me shots that were SUPPOSED to make the pain better. I would start to get light headed and almost passed out. I was throwing up all over the office. I was squeezing Kelly’s and my mom’s hands as they were yelling at me to breathe in through the nose and out through my mouth. While labor and contractions are already painful, I was constantly reminded that at the end of all of this, I still wouldn't have my baby.

Finally, at around 11:00 they did a d&c procedure and basically finished the labor for me so I would feel better, and I was sent home. 

So, I don't have our baby anymore. All the plans that we had made around this baby are not the plan anymore. And it’s painful. But, if this had been 4 days earlier then Kelly would have been in Texas and I would have had to be rushed to the hospital in an ambulance. If my dad hadn’t had that inspiration and flew my mom up here then I wouldn’t have been able to squeeze her hand and have her guide me through a kind of pain only she would know.

Though this is easily one of the most painful experiences in my entire life, I was so blessed in the support that I had that day. Heavenly Father watches out for each of us, He has a plan, and although I have no idea why this had to happen, I have no doubt that this is a part of a plan. Even if I never figure out what that plan was, I have faith that this was for a reason.